I just texted “I’m learning. Balance :)” to Penguin.

I have to admit, I suck at a lot of things. I know I am good at a lot of things but I know I am not good at a lot of things too. One of them, is when it’s about my emotions.

I think I have hid my heart behind too thick a wall for so long that I don’t know how to handle feelings when it comes full force, like you know, when you’re deeply in love.

To be fair, I am good in being unfeeling. I can be sensitive, yeah sure, but to an extent. I can turn it off, be distant and cold. I remember being one of the best students in dissecting a cadaver because I didn’t feel anything towards the dead. It was meat. No fear, disgust or pity can stop me from slicing the layers of its skin with my trusty scalpel.

It’s easier when you don’t feel. Everything is easier. When I am cold, it means that I’m being a coward to experience pain. I am hiding behind the wall. But it is scary. You can’t feel happiness too. You can’t appreciate happiness without pain, which is tragic.

Apparently, once you make a crack on that wall, feelings become overwhelming. Every small detail is magnified. Subtle moves, unspoken words, silences… Everything has meanings and a magnitude of feelings! I don’t seem to know how to… My IQ points drop. I over think. Wrong.

I discovered that I am a very, very passionate person.

Sometimes it gets too Jubilee (from X-men). I can choke because of my emotions. Too strong. I need to mellow. Is that what growing up is about? No growing up is about being sensitive by mixing and having the right amounts all the time. You have to know what the right amount is.

Back to my strengths, I know I’m not dumb. My IQ points may have dropped but I’m still on the top 15% of the world’s population – at least I have to give that justice. I know what to do when forced by over thinking and over feeling. I need to learn:


Meditate. Do what you love doing. Giving more. Growing up. That is the goal. I know I am doing well.

I don’t know what I fear. I don’t like fear. It cripples you. It poisons your mind into thinking you can’t do what you can do. It is life’s ultimate cock blocker.

then again you only fear when you have something to lose. For the same number of letters and first letter, I will replace fear with faith. Because, ask yourself Ella, are you going to lose something?

I think I regained my IQ points back.


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